Dem old bones

Lately I have noticed that I am starting to get old. It seems that to mark the occasion of me turning into an old man, my old man has bought me a year's membership for the South African Botanical Society..... Feel the excitement... This is far less smashing pumpkins than stunning Bougainvillea's....  Not sure what those are actually, they are either a flower or a fancy name for an umbrella.

Next week my old man will buy me my first cane, and teach me how to start my stories with "Back in My day". I am already quite proficient at shouting at children and young people... No good Whipper Snappers!

Now where did I put my dentures..

My Top Games for 2011. Shameless punts and shunts

Here is just a quick run down of my Top games for 2011. Some may be from 2010 


Punts
Definitely my favourite game for 2011 has been Uncharted 3. It got a well deserved perfect 10/10 from IGN.  Playing U3 is pure bliss, and spectators will sit on the edge of their seats watching the story unfold. With truly masterful writing and stunning graphics U3 blurs the line between games and high budget adventure films.


What can be said abut this title that has not yet been said, it really needs to be experienced. It kept me enthralled for the entire time i played it, putting in truly epic gaming sessions.


I feel that no PS3 game collection would be complete without at least 1 of the Uncharted games, and U3 is simply the best of the lot. As for future titles? I am really filled with excitement for any possible sequel or any other game in fact coming from the Naughty Dog studio.


Uncharted 3: Drakes Deception

Uncharted 2: Among Thieves (Platinum)

Uncharted: Drake's Fortune (Platinum)

Apart from being incredibly impressed with Uncharted 3, I have also been playing a few other games. ID sofware's Rage, was probably my favourite shooter this year (I have not yet played MW3 or BF3), with my only complaint being that it was a bit short. IGN gave Rage a well deserved 8.5 What put Rage apart for me was the graphics and the character animations. I kept finding myself shooting the baddies in different body parts, just to see how it effected their movement. You may say that sounds a bit morbid, it may be, but it is a hell of a lot of fun. It was pretty cool to see how a recently deceased baddy would carry his momentum and stumble a few steps before hitting the ground upon being dispatched.


Some however did complain about the story or the lack there of... Its an ID shooter, and the story is just there to give an excuse to demonstrate their latest ID Tech 5 game engine. Oh and to show of the Blade Wings - the awesome boomerang things.


As for the racing portion of the game, I am not the biggest racing game fan at the best of times. (With the only racing game that I can stomach are the MotorStorm franchise) I must admit that I did enjoy the standard run and gun races, they were a lot of fun.It was the rally races with the check points that were downright frustrating at time, and in my opinion, these could have been left out of the game. The effort that was spent on the rally racing portions could have been better spent in adding a few more story missions to the game. 

Rage

Another gem was Resistance 3 which got a well deserved 9 from IGN As with Rage, I also took delight in shooting the Chimera (alien nasties) in different places on their bodies. In fact some bad guys can only be killed by being shot in specific (thankfully highlighted) places. You will pick this up quickly as yo notice that most of the standard BullsEye (one of you primary rifles) fodder will die quickly and violently if y shoot their cooling back packs. Nice!


Again as with Uncharted, no PS3 collection is complete with out one of the Resistance titles.


Resistance 3

Resistance 2 (Platinum)

Resistance: Fall of Man (Platinum)

Crysis 2 and Killzone 3 were also awesome shooters. Crysis 2 got a well deserved 9 on IGN and Killzone 3 got a very respectable 8.5 on IGN 
Infamous 2 is also very good, although I have not finished it yet, it is very entertaining. It has a nice 9 on IGN


As I stated above, I have not yet played either of the 2 big shooters right now (I am hoping that Santa drops them off for me)


Battlefield 3 got a 9 on IGN
Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 also got a 9 on IGN




With any luck I hope that a few of the above titles make their way into your christmas stockings. But beware, if you were naughty you may get some from below...


Shunts
One title that I think was trying to emulate the Resistance franchise was HomeFront (Resistance edition nog al) Here the alien Chimera are replaced by the nasty Koreans. Firstly I enjoyed the story, it seemed almost plausible. HomeFront, actually got a 7 from IGN I am not sure what to say about the game, I found it boring and only finished it due to a sense of obligation, obligation  to what? North Korea maybe?


Dante's Inferno - IGN gave it a 7.5, I feel that was a generous review, I found the game to be an annoying button masher, meh...


Fallout: New Vegas - IGN gave it 8.5, again I feel this was very generous, the game was so buggy, that I would simply stop playing. Fallout 3 was flawed, but this game was a travesty, the bugs were unbearable.... Normally I feel a sense of loss when I finish a game, o this one I felt a sense of relief when I finally finished it.

RoboCop - No Really

Now this is exciting!!! Finally we are starting to realise that robots can be used for more than just the mass producing of cars and the like. The South Korean's are now going to use to monitor the inhabitants of their prisons. 

South Korean Prison To Feature Robot Guards

Sad thing is the robots are only taking a supervisory roll for now, I am assuming their unions have rules and regulations which frown upon the bots from maiming wayward inmates. 

They should come and work here, but then how much would you bribe a robot? That would really stump most of us.

This is all sounding very anime'esc. Do your self a favour ad watch BuggleGum Crisis 2040 along with GenoCyber, I am sure you can find both locally. Basically they both depict a world where robots are an integral part of our everyday lives. And yes, they rip us limb from limb every chance they get. 

I did a quick search, and could only find clips for GenoCyber (quite gory) but bum bum bum! You can actually watch all the episodes of BuggleGum Crisis 2040 on YouTube

(I will be busy for the rest of the week, checking what else YouTube has to offer)

Sorry I got distracted there. What I want to do is take the South Korean's robots and add a few "upgrades" which may or may not be inspired by the above anime, and may or may not inspire the fear of god in the lowly prison dwellers.  

None of this Johnny 5 BS, I want blood guts and gore! not my own of course, only bad people, or those that are really annoying... My SK 39s (South Korean 39s - modified prison robots) will have rambo knives for fingers, machine guns for headlights and flame throwers just because. All these things and more go into your friendly localized Apocalypse 

There are also anime's about friendly robots. Astro Boy for one, I have a copy of the old Apple Seed that I am going to watch when I get home... Appleseed

Typety type type

I've been trying to get into a regular writing pastern, this is quite difficult. I can't tell you why, this is for me and my therapist..... And mr tiddles says I need a bit more time before I can share with the world (Okay, now that was just crap, I've just been lazy)


Recently I read an article o how to improve your writing, how to be more consistent with the frequency of updates etc etc. At the onset, I was a bit anxious I was expecting to have to go to some far far away exotic jungle and take dangerously high doses of hallucinogenic drugs while running around naked covered in goats blood. But alas, the suggestions were far more mundane, apparently you just need to sit down and write, even if its crap (like that's ever been a problem for me) just write, set aside an hour or 2 and just write, it can be once a week, twice a month, or even daily if need be. The whole point is just so that you get used to the idea of writing, and to get you committed to that. This really sounds like a hell of work... Think I am going to the travel agent and a dealer this afternoon. kthanx bye


No wait sorry, I was not done yet. On the topic of writing I thought I'd give you some interesting facts about blogging. My first stop was Wikipedia..... There is quite a bit there, and I lost interest after the first word. But please feel free to edumacate yourself http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blog


I then decided to research hallucinogens http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hallucinogen, although there were a few pretty pictures, I lost interest very quickly too ....


Um, ja... err

Random Thought: fifty (50)

I always wonder why people still write a number as a word followed by the number in brackets. For example fifty (50), the only reason I can think of for this is that back in the day before Arial, when people still used clay tablets, it may have been difficult to read other peoples hand writing (ie monkey scratch) But now, in a digital age, I find it insulting to see the fifty (50) used. 

Do you know why? It is because I do th exact same thing, when I believe I am writing to a complete idiot, someone I do not believe can read or understand basic ideas like numbers and values. I use it, so I have written  proof that I believe the reader is an absolute idiot and requires that I write something twice for them to understand.

Now the next time you see this on the web, think. Is the author trying to imply, that I, the reader, am a complete idiot? Do all my shirts have built in bibs? Am I Julius Malema? For my and your sake, I hope this is not the case. Instead I propose tat is in fact he author of the article that may need help sitting in a chair and not voiding his bowels. I really did not Julius Malema had a blog, he is clearly just free lancing and every time yo see fifty (50) you will know it is him, after all he has a lot of debts, that are clearly not being met by his day job.

BUY SOUTH AFRICAN – BE SOUTH AFRICAN

I don't normally share motivational or happy emails, but this one struck a note with me so here goes. I got this forwarded to me, there is no name for the author, but that should not detract from the message.

Dear Friends

As the holidays approach, the giant Asian factories are kicking into high gear to provide us with monstrous piles of cheaply produced goods — merchandise that has been produced at the expense of South African labour. This year will be different. This year South Africans will give the gift of genuine concern for other South Africans. There is no longer an excuse that, at gift giving time, nothing can be found that is produced by South African hands. Yes, there is plenty.

It’s time to think outside the box, people. Who says a gift needs to fit in a shirt box, wrapped in Chinese produced wrapping paper?
Everyone — yes EVERYONE gets their hair cut. How about gift certificates from your local hair salon or barber?

Gym membership? It’s appropriate for all ages who are thinking about some health improvement.

Who wouldn’t appreciate getting their car valet’d? Small, South African owned car washes would love to sell you a gift certificate or a book of gift certificates.

Are you one of those extravagant givers who think nothing of plonking down the cash on a Chinese made flat-screen? Perhaps that grateful gift receiver would like his driveway fixed, or lawn mowed for the summer, or roof waterproofed and painted.
There are a Gazillion owner-run restaurants — all offering gift certificates. And, if your intended isn’t the fancy eatery sort, what about a half dozen breakfasts at the local breakfast joint. Remember, folks this isn’t about big National chains — this is about supporting your home town South African with their financial lives on the line to keep their doors open.

How many people couldn’t use an oil change for their car, truck or motorbike, done at a shop run by a South African working guy?

Thinking about a heartfelt gift for mom? Mom would LOVE the services of a local cleaning lady for a day.

My computer could do with an upgrade, and I KNOW I can find some young guy who is struggling to get his repair business up and running.

OK, you were looking for something more personal. Local crafts people are great. They make jewelery, pottery, knitted stuff, Teddy Bears, paintings and home preserves etc.

Plan your holiday outings at local, owner operated restaurants and leave your server a nice tip. And, how about going out to see a play or ballet at your hometown theatre.

Musicians need love too, so find a venue showcasing local bands.

Honestly, people, do you REALLY need to buy another ten thousand Chinese lights for the house? When you buy a R50 string of lights, about fifty cents stays in the community. If you have those kinds of bucks to burn, leave the mailman, trash guy or babysitter a nice BIG tip.

You see, Christmas is no longer about draining South African pockets so that China can build another glittering city. Christmas is now about caring about us, encouraging small businesses to keep plugging away to follow their dreams. And, when we care about other South Africans, we care about our communities, and the benefits come back to us in ways we couldn’t imagine. THIS should be the new South African Christmas tradition.

Forward this to everyone on your mailing list — post it to discussion groups — throw up a post in your local newspaper in the Rants and Raves section — your radio stations, and TV news departments. This is a revolution of caring about each other, and isn’t that what Christmas is about?
BUY SOUTH AFRICAN – BE  SOUTH AFRICAN – The job you save might be your own.

Time to write

Recently (sorry forever) I have been struggling to write, I could say it was due to a lack of creativity, a lack of motivation, or a lack of small furry things to put in my pockets. But to be honest it is purely down to my exceptional ability to procrastinate (Grammar Nazi note. Never start a sentence with a conjunction. Raping the English language is no way....CraCK!!!! Sorry, had a grammar nazi, had to shut him up, where was I?) 


Oh yes, I am exceedingly good at procrastinating, that is different to going off on a tangent. Tangents, are meant, to be gone off of? (Thank gidness we killed the grammar nazi) I recently tweeted that I would spend an hour each day trying to improve myself. Wow, that is a lot harder said than done. After all t i so much easier to pop in a movie, play some Play Station or just lose yourself in Google Reader.


Lately I have been reading up quite a bit on social media. Personally I really enjoy Twitter, I really enjoy the fact that I can read things from people who actually say interesting things. With all the people and spam I have blocked on FaceBook I am surprised they have not just closed my account


A Quick Link from Forbes' twitter feed. I remember reading something similar before, but can not remember where...

Forbes Forbes 

If it's Free Then It's You That's Being Sold onforb.es/uiYjZD [by@worstall]

Another Interesting article about how smart phone users multitask. 


80% of Smartphone Users Multitask While Watching TV [STATS]

Trust me if you know anyone under 23, then yo will know exactly how pervasive those blackberies truly are. I really do not think this is limited to smartphones, it could be any web enabled device (for instance I am blogging on the laptop, while the tv is displaying some moving pictures with sound, called a shite b grade horror movie) 


On reading the above article I tweeted.

davidchedder A Horse at the bar 

I would not call it multitasking so much, rather a dilution of concentration across tasks till you do none properly.

I really feel this is very true, I do not believe that even a woman is truly capable of multitasking. When PC's first started multitasking it was brilliant. The PC would queue different tasks in such a manner that we thought the tasks were being done at the same time, the fact of the matter is that the tasks were divided into little pieces and these were then fed into the processing queue. That is exactly what we do, we are continually siftig our focus from one task to the next. But what does this lead to? Personally I feel I have developed some kind of adult ADD, constantly needing something to occupy my attention, this leads back to the procrastination that I was complaining about.Does this also explain the popularity of Twitter? Say what ever you want as long as it is 140 characters or less.


Follow me on Twitter and read a book and watch tv, and play video games

Time to sit down and write

Time to sit down and blog

Time to sit down and bleh

Bleh.....

I hope everyone is following me on twitter? I really enjoy twitter it allows me to share my brain farts with people, and the best thing is that I can pretend that people read them...

Check out www.twitter.com/#!/davidchedder Yes!!!!!

Welcome to another belated blog entry. I know that in order to get people to read the blog it needs to be topical. From there it is just a small climate change to Tropical, a bit more to Sub tropical, down to Arid. I am sure you see where this is going. A little more climate change and we get desert. What's great in the desert!? 
Dessert of course and what's the best dessert? 
Whisky of course, and what's better than whisky? It's probably Whisky

I have also decided to make the blog more visceral, that is I am going to put more pictures in it, and try put in more daily life stuff

Oh yes and Bleh.......

Recently I have developed a bit of gangrene in my thumb, sorry I mean I have developed a green finger (sans chlorophyll of course). I recently bought a mushroom kit from www.mushroomfactory.co.za made me some yummy oyster mushrooms. The kit worked well and we ate our first batch of oysters this past week.

Here are the mushrooms 6 days after setting up the kit

3 days after spouting

4 days after spouting

3 days after spouting

5 days after spouting

6 days after spouting - Harvest day

Yay for harvested mushrooms!!!!

And for green thumb tasks that actually included chlorophyll, I have started a cactus obsession. I bought 4 lophos from www.sheilamnursery.com I also got some seeds from them... I also ordered some seeds from  www.cactusplaza.com really not sure how long these will take to get here. I really wish we did not need to deal with the South African postal service, they are for lack of a better word useless. On a side note you can buy agave seeds from cactus plaza..... so think about it, if you order those, you could make your own tequila in 7 to 10 years time... I never knew it took so long for the plants to reach maturity, I certainly hope that they have enough agave in Mexico to keep up with my demand.

But from the seeds I got locally I am starting to realise that succulents and cacti are far more difficult to grow than herbs and chillies

Potted Lophos

On a  side note, happy belated birthday http://twitter.com/#!/Gabriele_Wood Hope you have a blast later on tonight!!!!

Random Rant

Today's Random Rambling, is a random rant. or at least generalized hate speech. Earlier on I was ready to use CAPS and unleashed the fury (but furry works too). I would have made Samuel L Jackson, seem like a nice quiet calm person. (Have you noticed that Samuel L Jackson, shouts in every single movie role he has been in? Was he in the school play, shouting, Repunzel, repunzel, let down yo mutha fuggen hair woman, do not make me go up 2 decibels and break down this mutha fuggen buildin with the shear volume of my voice. - and while you up there get me a royale with cheese, JT says they are real god.)

Oh yes anger and rage... arg. Pirates? Not quite, I remember now, my generalized hatred is aimed at cell phone spam. Nasty little bastards trying to sell crap I do not need, via sms. Please who uses sms anymore, oh yes, just those freaken cheap assed telemarketers. I have a cell phone thank you, seriously who does not have a cell phone. I DO NOT WANT TO DEAL WITH VODACOM OR CELL C. EVER.. If i had wanted to do so, I would have walked into one of their stores or gone to their website, and I would have said.Please may I have a cell phone from you. Have I done this, no. The only reason I am still with Mtn, is because they have not pised me off enough to leave.. Which leaves me wondering where will I go should i need to kill the mtn contract? Not vodacom and cell c for sure. I will just use my phone on wifi at home and coffee shops. Who needs sms, and the only people who phone me are sales people or vampires. (One day I will find your hive and nail your coffins shut, you hear me.)

Oh and now for some good news, the PSN store is back up, I have been happily downloading some random games that I will probably never play. And the world, contrary to poplar belief, did not end on th 21st of last month (Late sorry, I misread the memo and was out hunting rabbits in the kalahari while on obscenely powerful hallucinogens - note to self, that actually sounds like fun)

Another point of contention - Yes I am err content with the point of err, the subject and stuff. I have been looking into the whole new world order story that has been floating around for some time. Th people who are complaining about this obviously do not come from south africa. To be honest, any kind of order sounds awesome, old world, new world, hell I will even take other world order. The key word is order, it implies some kind of decorum, a purpose. So the next time you are at home affairs or the licensing department, just think I'm sure that those lizard people could do this better.

And sorry for the americanised destruction of the english language. I could not(did not bother) o change the spell check

Archibald the werewolf and his werepoodle bitches

It's cold outside, the full moon peaks sneaky sneakily like through the thick clouds. It's cold, colder then usual for this time of year. Some say that it has been the coldest year in overr 60 years. I really do not know why anyone would care, I don't think it effects house prices or anything. Reminds me of some interesting person telling me about their love exity8 level what's a ma thing, doing level f to poop, or something to that affect. Sorry about that, I am trying to say that it is cold outside. But that is outside, we are inside. It's warm, musky, crowded and the its where all the fantasy folk go when they need to let go, and don an Afro.

There he is, Archibald the werewolf, surrounded by his werepoodle bitches. But he's not sleazy, well not too sleazy. Think of him as the guy behind the counter at your local green grocer, okay you have me he's pretty sleazy. He's wearing a pin stripe suite, top 2 buttons on his shirt are open, with some chest fur peaking out, not quite as much as the green grocer though. Now the good bit, the werepoodles. They are typical sleazy guy paid for company...... not sure if I should describe them it may offend some and the scary thing is it may excite a few who find the idea of a poodle lady appealing.
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Sorry what were you, woof, woof arooo, sorry just day dreaming a bit there.

Not sure where that was going, but it could of had everything, clowns on unicycles, intrigue, suspense watrmelons filled with vodka, monkeys in bikinis and romance, crowmance, cheese and more cheese. The rude word of the day is bum partgoing

Thanks for all the fish.

Its been a while, but I gues that is starting to sound like a cliche with me. But hey, it is a very true one, cliche that is. I could tell you the truth, that I have just been too freaken lazy to even write in my blog.. SO I think I'll just lie. I have been very busy, I watched some tv, lost, prison break, supernatural, girls of the playboy mansion, not the fuggen news. I have been working in a place where my internet usage is monitored! Oh no only 400 megs and they actually send me cute little warning emails. You are looking at too many comic websites! Your internet usage for the week is the highest in the department. This is the second time your internet usage is the highest, please look into this! This is the last time I am speaking to you about your internet usage. I am going to take away your internet usage. HHHMmmm okay maybe they weren't so cute, kind of annoying actually. I can't help it I'm addicted to the internet, or maybe I just ==== never ever say anything bad about your job in your blog, they WILL fire you ===. Do you understandf where I am coming from, and no, it is not from behind the fridge.

Oh yes I have also started writing a book! Its gonna be great, action suspense, tenticle creatures and a milk man, yes you heard that correctly, but not just any milk man, he is th Milk Man of justice (patent pending). The book is named Memiors of a Gopher named Gopher. So far this epic novel is standing at a hefty 3 pages, of solid dripping GOLD!

Blog Of Doom!

Ha ha ha. Its time for another installment of something Of Doom! Its pretty simple even small children can play, although Americans might find it quite difficult. All you have to do is put “Of Doom” after every noun you say. Easy huh! Here are a few examples. “I’m just going to walk my dog Of Doom.” Or “My that’s a lovely new shirt Of Doom you have on, it would look lovely crumpled up on my floor Of Doom.” Or “Hey baby, how’d would you like to see my pad Of Doom.” Or “The other day I watched this documentary Of Doom, about penguin Of Doom, they lived on all this ice Of Doom, and ate fish Of Doom.” Okay maybe it can get a bit complicated for small children, but hey its fun for the whole family Of Doom!

I know this is short, but I need to keep it that way so that I can understand it.

instant coffee just add humans

Ha, ha ha. Doesn’t that just make you laugh; I read that on a shirt the other day. “Instant Human, Just add Coffee.” It made me laugh so hard that coffee came out my trunk, and I had to use tentacles 3 through 7 to mop up the ensuing disaster, earth humour, really gets my fallingle flowing. I’m rather found of coffee, and humans, just they get a bit limp when you leave them in it too long, my how I love to watch them thrash around in the foamy delicious java. I enjoy it when they squirm around in my mouth between my tongues.

The world has become a sad sad place, when jingle boops talk about their sordid love affairs with small hominid life forms from that little blue planet in the milky way. Interspecies mingling can not be tolerated in this age of high fidelity quadraphonic spaz slapping.

Sorry but, as usual I’m not at sorts, stimulants, lack of sleep and utter boredom have caused global warming on scales not yet know to those damn penguins…………. Quack (penguins dammit, que the penguins) (what’s the difference? duck, penguin they both swim) (the one eats, fish the other eats..)(toast!) (what? I’ve never seen a duck eat toast) (no no not ducks, I want toast, snack packs ,snack packs all I want are snack packs) (someone please remove this idiot…. And get me a snack pack too……. Hm this is some good juice, can I go for a lye down?) Alright, the support staff are out of the way, no we only have one more task… and that is , take over the world, brush our teeth, chase a shot of tequila with skunk urine. No its time to browse the internet for more pointless crap to do. Number 1, read http://dchedda.blogspot.com (this very blog) If that is not pointless enough, then well bluh…..

That’s funny I was about to say the same thing

Good evening, it weird that we only seem to meet when I am on my ear, welcome to my ear it is cartilaginous and earlike. It probably has something to do with all the stimulants in the water here, dam it is hard to sleep.

Ah yes and guess what, all these great plans of witty report and etc have deluded me. I can’t smoke in doors any more so I will have to live off the fumes from under my bed.

I went to happy fun land tonight, only to be met by some half assed Nigerian, he said the park was closed, so what could I do apart from pee on the roller coaster and vow to be there earlier tomorrow (apparently most people are asleep by 3)

But I got some photo’s of me and the lads. I’m the good looking one.






Apparently people act like acting like retards around me.

Unimportant Iputs of Don

Good morning, all. I know it has been a while, but I have been very busy. I was helping clean up soiled seals and penguins, or at least I watched a doccie about it on Discovery Channel. All in all, it was quite a fruitful, zork knows how long. But never fear it will take more than a new job, laptop, various other events to stop me, after all I am the beer-a-nator. Gimme beer I am thirsty. Okay AFTER all my invites to new members of Random Ramblings, I have finally forced/enticed a new member. If you know me as well as I do, you may know that I have known Don since he was a sweet little school wretch, he has now turned into a rather obtuse oblong, and rather elongated thinga ma jig. Oh well anyway here is Don's first, and hopefully not last. Viva la Don.

Unimportant Iputs of Don

I’ve officially been recruited as a random inclusion… my purpose in making huge effort to type words, correct in grammar and inspiring in reason, create no feeling of hope or fateful faith. They’re simply there because they weren’t told that they couldn’t be. Hi, I’ve lived 23 years of my life with the title of Don. Not really the type of personal description that runs parallel with anything that vaguely begets exciting, excitement…choosing it’s home between the colour grey and melancholy emotions….

Fark that was boring…

I once possessed intriguing tales relating closely with the human condition. Metaphorical enigma’s of sorts, bold yet mundane… once, on queue, shocking and awing audiences, opening vast realms of self imaginations… Journey’s of great Kings, life altering realizations of needing hopefuls and endings perfect enough to raise eyebrows place unimpressionable critics. These oddly placed words of myth, glory and achievement, circled royalty type conversations with ease.
Sadly though…great tales decay. Become ice breakers and awkward elevator conversations, it becomes a eighty-five year olds dying joke.


Sorry I have not proof read this post, but hell that makes things more interesting.

Oh well enjoy your week/donkey darbie/any other event which may be worth mentioning.

(Insert Title)

Ah good (insert time of day.) It has been quite a while, (insert time since last post) to be exact. I hope you are well, I am (insert current state of being), but have been a little (insert past tense negative) lately. FARK, FARk FEKKIDI fek fek. Bleep blip You Mother Farkin fark fark. Dam automated random shit generator, still trying to get me to insert my credit card. That’s it I’m writing all my own random shit from now on. Oh I mean I’ll ramble on a bit randomly, or something. Today (insert date in past) Smash, smash fark fark. Roar, dammit. Okay I am either being very prodigious, or extremely lazy. This blog entry type thing (what you are reading now) has bee prepared at some previous date, one long before the post by date, some may say long before the dinosaurs, some may say before Riaan Cruywagen. But how are we to know, after all time is only relative. To prove this, you will need to go to any government department, preferably the licensing department, now remember that you are there for a very important reason, such as having your license renewed or to shoot someone. Not only will the hour you are there feel like an hour but much more, you may perceive the man next to you age, ever so slightly at first but then you will notice that he now has a beard, then he starts to grey, his nurse comes every now and then to change his colostomy bag, you notice his drip is getting empty, you see his son come to take over their proud place in line, you wonder if you are aging too, you are, you start to lose touch with reality, becoming senile even. Why oh why did you have to go and stand in that life draining queue. Oh the end is nigh. Another test, for those who don’t want to die in the process is to go to a fairly large public event, like a concert or a rugby/cricket/popular national sport game. Find a nice seat, have something to eat, maybe a beer or two and a block or two of brooklax. Now the time it takes for the brooklax to kick in and the time it takes you to find relief. Now that by definition is eternity.

Sorry about the time thingy, it’s just that this is, was, er will be a prepared blog entry. I typedy, typedy, some stuff on me keyboard into the words n’ stuff program, then I save it for later. Kind of like preparing a biochemical warfare weapon thing. I doubt that even the best biochemical scientist dudes could have made their allotted nasties in terror 101. They would have needed to put in many hours of home work, mixing just the right amounts of anthrax with Viagra etc. and on the good side at least you don’t get very many second rate biochemical terrorists, due to the high levels of self study required, they seem to kind of sort them selves out(and their family pets, families, neighbours pets, neighbours etc. etc.)

“I’m sorry oh great large, powerful and very muscular in that t-shirt random shit generator. You are the most wonderfulest random shit generator in the entire fluff. Oh take me into your flock and show me your wonder. And I will give you all my worldly possessions; I have no need for them for I know that when I am with you I need not. What is that? Oh of course I will bring you all the beer that this land has to offer. .. Yes and a cheese burger, with extra chips. …. And a Game boy? Oh Sorry one of those cool new Game Boy DS’ with all the cool little extras, and all the games for it that this ;land has to offer…. And a Porsche designed kitchen set including the nifty toaster and kettle. Oh my random shit generator, this is… What oh you are not done, but this is a rather long list, and I don’t think I even know what a spaloonkedy wonka is….. This is too much, where oh where shall I find these things?” And then I shot him, the most annoying disciple I have ever had. Remember that even though I may take pity upon you today, because you praised my random shit, and stuff, no one likes a suck up, especially not one that doesn’t know what a spaloonkedy wonka is anyway. Oh and next time you see me, give me a beer I’ve deserved it.

Listen to me now.

Yes that is right for a limited time only you will be able to rule the world (batteries not included) for the low, low price of humanity. “Mwahaha, our plans are finally coming to fruition Mr. Bush.” “Oh really, that’s sounds like a smoothie, could I please have some strawberry in mine?” “Um. Strawberry?” “Yeah, you know those sweet little red spotty things.” “No, no. Fruition, it is the outcome of our plans.” “Yeah, yeah. I know, you put in the strawberry and outcomes the smoothie. Ooh, aah. Got ta git me some o dat fruitionola’ smoothie ye.”

And next time on the tv channels of our live we might actually get past the drinks menu. “Ooh, Ooh! I want the blue one, look at the blue one, its all blue and stuff!” I, myself Frank Block of the lands that cease to do stuff of twiddily rounding paths, have found ye another way of wasting vast amounts of time. Yahoo Answers. Which is yet another of these all too wonderful web 2.0 something or the others. It allows me, or you, with all our combined knowledge to ask stupid questions, and to give even dumber answers. I puts a smile on ones face when you know in your heart of heart that you have helped someone else reach and attain a fuller better life. I did this today, just a few moments ago, I helped a poor Sudanese child come to terms with the fact that he is going to have a shit life, for the rest of his life, because he can’t tie his shoes. I mean it the little things, like why is there no snow on the moon? Or what do you think of my Godzilla? Is it safe to let the Windsor’s mate? Important, personal, fruitionola, veggie based questions, that will inevitably clog the internet, causing 5 less people to read this blog. Poop on string, when puppies eat soap on a rope.

Damn Mr Bush, always screwing around when we need him most. The Russians were rather upset with etv’s shit movie last night “Red Heat” where Arnold Schwarzenegger, killed a bunch of people because their Russian accent was better than his. Now seriously has Arnold ever had a good accent? Has he acted in Austrian movies? Was his native accent as shit as his English/Russian/anything he says accent. Only Americans would elect these mofos. I guess I can’t be one to talk though, I can’t understand anything South African politicians say either; all I know is that they like large expensive 4x4s, R500 000 family holidays, and the occasional post coital showers.

Until next-time. Keep on keeping on

Dam inhabitants of nostril land.

It’s got absolutely nothing to do with global warming or the yellow parakeet that lives in your rectum, nor anything to do with the rainbow nation hitting puberty, or the little funny onion thingies in your soup. It has a little less to do with our appalling service levels, smell ignorant police, unqualified teachers, poly-unsaturated / mono-saturated fats, weekend’s on the east rand, and getting lost in the west rand. Or even to do with me being capped after browsing a few too many websites and downloading too much (legal) stuff. It may have something to do with the Far East economies, but that still needs to be confirmed. Some may ask how it all affects the price of cheese, but that is just ridiculous, all I do is go outside and pick some from our lovely cheese garden. It all makes about as much sense as saying the price of cut grass…. “Yes, I’d like a cup full of Canada green, a hand full of Serengeti and a pinch of crab grass.”.. ”Hmm, lovely grass soup, don’t forget the funny onion thingies though.” Where was I going with all that seems to elude me at the moment, must be the dam far eastern economy, or something.

AS you may have / or not gathered, I was degraded to a sans internet status for the last week or so of last month. It gave me time to catch up on a little reading (note to self we need a new tv guide), some chores, some other stuff and a good deal of playing Ragnarok Offline Battle. It is a doujin (fan made) game by a company called French Bread (Don’t worry I have yet to find any frenchiness to it, although there is also a decided lack of Englishness too.) The game is in Japanese (I think) and pretty much entails you going on a quest to wonder the country side, while beating the crap out of cute little bunnies, mushrooms with teeth, cute little bunnies, cute little doggies, funny things with long tongues, a scare crow and more cute creature of various descriptions. It releases our innate hate for all things cute, this easiest identified by giving a baby a cute stuffed animal, babies are rather ill equipped to fight any meaningful battles, so they in fact rely on their blunted gums and over active bowels to soil, destroy, humiliate and other bad things, to said cute stuffed creatures. No wonder we all come out a little odd, because the adults who are supposed to protect infants are continuously dressing them in, surrounding them with obnoxious cute little Satan beasties. It warps the psyche, turning our natural inborn hate to turn into a silly wimpering “Ahhh! That’s cute.” I propose a boycott on all things cute, fluffy and pink. We shall surround our young with sharp objects (which can be used to attack cute things that try corrupt said infant), and dark colours. The “terrible” twos are merely complaining about all the cute crap lying around.

I can prove that cheese is tasty. Here eat this.

Ah yes it is a gloomy Sunday morning and I‘ve been left alone with my thoughts again. Sneeeky little buggers always trying to convince me that the light in the fridge is not there for my amusement. Last night I did some very interesting research into how locals interact with tourists, next week I’ll try terrorists, first off you will need some locals, easy enough, then you need to locate a tourist, not so easy, or at least I couldn’t be bothered to look for one. We now have all the players locals, supplied from the surrounding areas, a tourist, me with a “German” accent and several beers. I really don’t know why I was so friendly, if I was a German tourist I’d be rude and obnoxious, why should my attitude change if my nationality did, so I did what all tourists do, and that is try to mingle with the locals while trying not to look like a terrorist, sorry I mean tourist. So all you need to do is go to everyone within ear shot and talk to them about what a good time you are having, in random German words learnt from tv, ein, gut pronounced goet, alveedezen (my german spelling is probably off), bier, achtun, shizer, shwine, and some other badly pronounced syllables. I’m not sure whether anyone noticed that I only got the accent after a few beers though, I think I even fooled the locals that I went there with. However I would recommend caution with trying to be a foreigner though, firstly don’t try being German in a German pub, because they will start talking to you in German, and trust me not even the best German accent will give you the ability to hold a conversation in German, I’ve tried and it just doesn’t work. Do not try acting like a German in an Afrikaans pub, not because they will understand you, but because it will be completely lost on them, and they probably won’t buy you any drinks. PS just talking English properly will make them think you are a tourist, I’ve been English, Australian, and South African in the same evening, with the same people, even after I spoke Afrikaans, and I was trying to prove that I was South African, I had to get my cousin, their friend, to back me up. But at the end of the day I don’t think you need to be German to enjoy a good German beer, with some nice German food, a personal favourite is schnitzel, potato salad, sour kraut, and if they have it ask for a little purple (yummy.) And the good thing is that all these delicacies can be got at most German pubs (remember not to use your German accent here, unless if you really are German though)

Live and partially nude in a bedroom near you!

Now that I've got your attention It's about time I hear from somebody, anybody. I don't freaken care. Guild Wars has led me down a horrible path of self destruction, or at least one of wanton destruction of property and all those little street kids in the neighbourhood. Damn street kids think they own the roads. I’ll show the dirty little buggers, next time you step in front of me I’m gonna set the law straight by riding over you, and then, I’ll res any of my party who were slain and then heal the rest. Lets just say I’ll go all monk over them, not catholic naughty behind the pew lovin, but rather some serious smiting monk vengeance, I’ll remove your enchantments and send some bone minions from hell to destroy you. Lets just thank the heavenly tokoloshe that street kids don’t run this country. Well the current gov doesn’t differ that much though, except they are a bit bigger and their clothes have less wholes in them.

Oh ja, um yous guys’s must send youses funny shit to my email fblock40(at)hotmail.com [just replace the (at) with @] If you wanna send funny pictures, make sure my email is empty. But it would be better if you send rants, raves and even dribbles top dis box. Remember that I don’t even give my friends my email address, so use it wisely. The bestest stuffs will be puted up on this blog, you will receive recognition from the heavans above in the form of a fresh pigeon doodie on the car parked next to yours. You will also receive the prize of your choice, to collect your prize, go to your favourite shop, choose your prize, proceed to the counter, put the prize down, pull out your credit card/9 mm, and them go home to enjoy your prize. (Do note the armed robbery is frowned at in most “modern” societies, so check with your neighbours, unless of course you sold their house. Do not confirm any plans of armed robbery with the local policeman as they may want to charge a special armed robbery tax [bastards] or at least that’s what they did when I asked)

PS that mail box is a spam trap so, don’t send spam, just your little stories.

PPS don’t these little ps thingies piss you off.